As it’s almost 10 months ago I lost my favorite man on the planet, let me be the first to tell you this: it does not get any easier. The days are just as hard without him; but they have become more routine without his presence. What no one will tell you about losing your dad is how close you become to your family. None of us have ever been closer, but something else no one will tell you is that the breakdowns become harsher, the littlest thing can bring you to tears but you’re not sure why.
I remember being in school one day toward the end of March, and the date October 2nd was in the movie we were watching, and I lost it. That’s the day I lost my dad. I had been without him for well over 5 months, but it was never any easier. There are days where I’ll say “I’m having a day” which quite honestly feels like every day. There are so many things my dad can’t be there for me for. Things I need him for. I still write texts to my dad and stop myself because I don’t want to bother my brother, who now has his phone. There are still times where I ask my mom where my dad is, or if she’s talked to him, without thinking. The cemetery visits are more and more frequent as the days go on too. It’s really the days where no one is thinking about how hard it is on you; that you really need them to be there. I remember not knowing how to get to the cemetery on my own for about 7 months, and having a breakdown about it in the middle of the pool.
It’s those days where everything seems right, except that one person is missing. The way my dads laugh could make me just look down and smile at how genuine and happy he was. Those are the things I’ll never forget, but it’s also the days where I didn’t know if I would see him the next day in the hospital, that you don’t forget. People tell me all the time “I feel bad complaining about my stupid problems to you, you’ve been through so much but you’re still so happy” and I couldn’t be happier given everything I’ve been through. People don’t understand how compassionate losing someone makes you. You start to care so much more about others; rather than yourself. Life isn’t always about you. It’s about making someone else smile, even if it’s just the simplest thing.
Seeing my friends interact with their parents doesn’t make me angry, or envious of them. It makes me smile; because I may not be able to make new memories with my dad; but they still can, because I am not just “the girl who lost her dad” I’m much more than that, and I’m so thankful for the people who see that. I’ll always have my memories with my dad, although I only have 16 years worth, I still have so many happy memories that he would want me to remember. My dad will always be with me, and I know that. I know he’s with me wherever I go, the good days, the bad days, I’ll always have the best man I’ve ever met, by my side.
Project Paolino 